For the past few days, I've been stuck on one feeling: longing for my old life. I want to be back in Iowa, back in my house, practicing law, and back in Brian's arms, planning and enjoying our life as husband and wife. There's too much in my life now that is new, unknown, confusing, and scary. I just miss the comfort of the life I knew and loved. It's emotionally and mentally draining to write about that life, and my great loss, while I'm trying to carve out a new life at the same time. It can be overwhelming. It makes me want to curl into a ball under the covers and cry sometimes. That doesn't do much good, other than providing some measure of emotional release. But I can't go back to that old life, no matter how hard I wish, so crying in bed is the next best thing. Man, that's a pretty crummy "next best thing." I hope I can get this out of my system soon and get back to enjoying the life I have now, which I know is full of love, friends, and goodness -- I just have to remember that, and focus on those things instead of what I no longer have, to help me through this wave of grief and sadness that has consumed me lately.