Brian died at home from a pulmonary embolism. Blood clots traveled to his lungs and stopped his breathing. I was home when it happened, along with our two cats. Now I live in a state of fear that it will happen again -- to someone I love, someone I'm with, or maybe to me. Every time my leg hurts, I think I have a clot forming. Every time I don't hear "Antonio" breathing in bed next to me, I have to put my hand on his chest to check for a heartbeat and the feeling of his chest moving up and down. I have a hard time getting restful sleep in a room with a snorer, knowing that the apnea causing the noise and the sudden, noisy intakes of air (that most people would just consider a nuisance) is happening after a temporary cessation of oxygen to the lungs. If I hear someone snoring, I feel compelled to lay awake and listen, waiting to make sure the silence is temporary and that the next breath is taken, that the person is still alive. If I see one of my cats sleeping but don't see her chest moving up and down, I sneak over to make sure she's still breathing, still alive, that she too hasn't been suddenly taken. I constantly wonder if I've got a clot forming and don't know it. I worry that I'm going to imagine symptoms, and also that they will present and I will think I'm imagining them. I think about how stupid it would be for me to let the same thing happen to me that happened to Brian, how I could never forgive myself if it happened to anyone else while I was there, and I worry that if it happens again, no one will want to be in my presence. How do I stop worrying about this? How do I stop thinking it will happen again? And what if it does?