So I haven't blogged in forever, but for good reason -- this little guy keeps me plenty busy! Cooper Matthew was born Sept. 22 at 1:30 pm. He is five months old now and keeps us on our toes.
I never would have thought five years ago that I would be here now -- a mother, a real estate agent, remarried, living in south Texas, you name it. All unimaginable to me at my lowest point, and all proof that we never can tell what lies around the corner if we are willing to look.
I have to say -- losing Brian has impacted me as a mother. I'm sure all moms worry about harm coming to their little ones -- you don't dare speak of SIDS, though you read about it and take every step you can to prevent that awful fate. I don't know that this particularly is on my mind more than it is for anyone else. But I do think about the fact that life isn't guaranteed at any age -- that he could leave this world before me, at any stage in the game -- even as a grown man. I think I have a deeper appreciation and understanding of what Brian's parents must have felt and gone through with his death, though I pray to only understand that in the abstract sense and to never know that pain personally.
Cooper is a very good baby. He generally is a happy kid, and a decent sleeper (that part gets better and worse in phases). Still, even the best baby is exhausting. We are not young parents by any means, and we are adapting to the never-ending cycle of eating, spitting up, poopy diapers, changing clothes, entertaining the kiddo, etc. We have talked about stopping with one child...but I know I can't do that because...what if...? That has weighed on my mind. Not only Brian's family, but my friend Gabby's family were both two-child families that have lost a grown son. I don't want to stop at one and become childless in the future as a result. I know the odds of such tragedy are slim, but I also know the reality is there. These are the kinds of thoughts you don't bring up at Mommy & Me yoga, but they are the kinds of thoughts I have when the discussion of future children is on the table. To be clear, this isn't going to make the choice for us, but it is a piece of the puzzle.
I hate even putting these fears and thoughts into writing because if anything ever happened, I would feel like I brought that about with these words (a strange mental disconnect, but not uncommon amongst people in my shoes). Yet I feel like I have to put this out there because I know I'm not the only one in this situation, and sharing my journey might be helpful to someone else.
But for now, the reality is that all is well. I have a happy, healthy baby boy who is close to sitting up, who has discovered he can get his toes in his mouth, who is starting to have favorite toys, and who is in need of my attention at the moment.