Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Diamonds....A Girl's Best Friend?

As some of you might remember, I had our wedding rings altered so that they fight my right hand -- I wear my rings on my ring finger, and Brian's on my thumb.  Since I've done that, I've worn them pretty much every day.  I can't decide whether or not to wear them on dates.  On the one hand, I wear them all the time and I don't want to change that part of my routine and who I am just because of a date.  That would feel dishonest, like I was taking off a piece of my personality and hiding it away in the jewelry box.  On the other hand, I do get plenty of questions and comments about my rings ("Are you married?," "What do your rings mean?," etc.) and I don't necessarily want to have one more (kind of flashy) way to bring this topic to the table. 

Another thing I have to consider is that a lot of men might not be comfortable discussing this, or that they will associate me wearing the rings with me not being ready to move on.  One of the books I've read about widowhood specifically advises against wearing rings of any kind, especially diamond wedding rings.  That book also mentioned that men don't want to feel like they're competing with "the ghost of husband past."  Am I supposed to keep this in mind to make sure both parties are at ease, or do I forge ahead and just say "good riddance" to any guy who thinks it's too much to compete with, or that my situation would present issues too complex to be bothered with?

Finally, one more question -- how do I deal with this on my online dating profile?  I don't have any indication of my marital status or my circumstances in my profile as it is now.  Is that okay?...........You know what? Yes, yes it is.  I just decided that after writing and reflecting for a while.  I don't need to put everything out there for any match to see; that's something that can be discussed later in the process.  I'm sure at least half the men in my age range have a divorce in their background and they don't write all about that in their profiles.  (Though if someone has kids and doesn't mention them, I'd really question their parenting and priorities....)  I guess I had just let my self-doubt creep up too much there.

Now, having established that it's okay (and not deceitful) to not include this information on my profile, should I include it anyway?  Perhaps that would do two things: 1) weed out any guys for whom my past would cause an issue; and 2) get that information out there so the questioning later isn't so difficult.  The latter is a bit of an attorney's trick -- you elicit the "smoking gun" or the damning testimony from your own client on the stand so that the other attorney doesn't use it to destroy your client on cross-examination.  Maybe if I had that information on my profile, I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not to have that conversation -- and how to word things, how much to share, how much to talk about Brian and my past after that point -- on every first date.  Then it could be more like friends conversing, with that common understanding in the background instead of on the table next to the entrees.  Keep in mind that if I do put that on my profile, it seems more likely that a potential date will have stumbled upon this blog as a result of some light pre-date Googling (and you know that happens).  That brings its own set of issues... 

I'm going to do a little internet searching for articles/chat boards/blog posts on this topic, but I'm also going to do something a little unusual for me and ask you for your input.  Readers, help!  Any thoughts/input?  I would love your feedback in helping me navigate these waters.


  1. Hey Wendy.
    I follow your blog with interest, and think you're pretty fab! This is quite a step- good luck! I've done internet dating sites in the past, (such a great way to meet people!) and I have a thought for you. I'm really not the fount of all knowledge, (I hope you find some useful guidance in your chat boards etc though...) but heres my little take on it.

    I would say that there is much to be said for a profile that leaves out some details for later. I tried it different ways, (perhaps you should trial it with and without- see what you feel most comfy with?) as I have had profiles at three separate times, in the last couple of years. You can then impart to those who you genuinely see something in, when the right time arises. I had the most interest (from people *I* was interested in!) when I kept the descriptions brief, and at one time I even wrote entirely in the third person (she is hoping to find... she likes sunny days and hugs etc) This always got a comment :) You wouldn't be hiding it away, but it would be something for you to come to when you wanted to, with the *right* lovely young man (of which there are many!)
    Hope you find one,

  2. Hi Wendy!
    I have been following your blog for a few weeks now... I stumbled upon it while searching for who knows what because I myself am young, widowed, and rebuilding right here in Austin! I would really like to chat with you sometime! I noticed that you do not have email address posted on your blog so I thought I would give you mine. irockthepearls@gmail.com.
    As for your reader input... Lady, you have to do what makes you feel comfortable! Anyone who is worth your time will be able to accept all the things about you and want to know every single aspect of your world. And also know that because of your past, you are even more special than they could ever imagine. I do hope to hear from you.

  3. Thanks, ladies. I appreciate the input so much! (I also post a link to my blog on my facebook page, so a lot of my friends used that channel to offer their advice.)

    Angela -- I will e-mail you right now! Wanted to let you know in case it went to your spam folder.