Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I Have Dreams

I had a long, strange dream last night.  I can't remember all the details, but I know this much -- there were people I knew from many stages of my life, from high school to Austin, and I was part of a group of young people gathering up a crew to head to a party.  We were going to house parties, and maybe a bar or two.  We had a few cars full of people.  It was a fun dream, I'm sure in part because Brian was there.

Brian tending bar at the "Boka Bear Den," our basement hangout
In my dream, I was in a car heading to a house where I knew Brian would be.  I think I said, "Let's go to Brian's house."  It seems the house we went to was a combination of several houses I've known through the years -- the house he grew up in, one I used to baby-sit at during the summers, our house in Iowa.  It was in the country, kind of, and it had a basement.  We went to go pick him up to add him to the party crew.  I think we maybe had to wake him up; I know I was thinking he might be asleep.  Still, when I arrived, he was there and ready to roll, with a smile on his face.  I miss that smile.  Brian was always the life of the party.

At our wedding, with college friends "the Julies"
In my dream, he was by my side from the minute he joined in the group.  After some time of this, and when I had a moment alone with him -- oddly enough, we were walking either up or down a flight of stairs when this happened -- I stopped him.  I grabbed his arm, stopped him, and looked right into his eyes.  He looked just like he did in these pictures -- full of life and excited to be having fun with everyone.  I said something to the effect of, "I'm so happy to see you again.  You know, you're gone and I don't get to see you very much.  I'm glad you could be here.  I miss you."

At Brian's 30th birthday party - with Bobby, me, and Joy
He told me something along the lines of being glad to see me too.  I can't remember his words, but I know I relished in just hearing his voice.  God, how I miss that voice.  It was so distinct, yet it was the voice I was most accustomed to hearing and most loved the sound of on the other end of the phone, or in the morning, and every other minute of the days I got to share my life with him.

After that brief acknowledgement of our reality -- of being happy to hang out again, despite being currently existing in different planes -- we continued with the house party, or whatever was going on in my dream.

With his best friends, Hart and Wilson
It's nice to know he's always going to be beside me, and it's wonderful to be able to see his smiling face and experience the way he lights up a room, even if it's only in the occasional dream.

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