Saturday, April 2, 2011

This is How We Do It, It's Friday Night

How does one tell if a date has been a disaster?  I think mine last night was.

I met this guy about a month ago.  We hit it off really well.  We talked for a couple hours at the bar the night we met, and our first date went on for hours and hours as well.  We started talking on the phone and via text pretty regularly.  There was just one problem....his name was Brian.  (This is the only time I'll use a real name: I see no way to avoid it in this situation.)  I was telling a girlfriend about him, and how things were going, and I said, "This weekend, Brian and I..." and I choked up.  I realized it felt weird to say that.  I also had some weird dreams because of his name.  That was okay, I acknowledged; a lot of things were going to be weird, and I wasn't going to penalize this great guy for his first name.  I did realize, however, that I hadn't told him my late husband's name, or much about him.

On one phone call, I finally said, "I have to tell you something.  My husband's name was Brian, and this is a little weird for me."  I also told him that just because it was weird doesn't mean I wasn't ready, or that we couldn't keep going on with our relationship.  He reassured me that we could take things slow....and we have been moving really slow since then, probably backwards.  That's actually fine with me, but I feel like we took a huge step back last night and I'm losing sleep over it now.

We had plans to get together on Thursday night.  He was going to come over to my place, and I was going to make dinner and then we'd play mini golf at a nearby course.  Thursday came and I was excited to show him my place and to cook for him.  I worked out Thursday afternoon, then showered and put on a cute outfit for our date -- new jeans, a halter top, and heels.  Practical, but cute.  About 5:30, he called and said something had come up for work and he wondered if we could change our plans to Friday night.  I was a little bummed that he hadn't called sooner -- I had put on brand new jeans, for goodness sakes! -- but agreed to a Friday night date.  Then he asked if I wanted to see the movie "Insidious."  I said, "Sure, we can do that."  Suddenly, the date I planned for us had changed nights and turned into a different set of plans.  I asked if he still wanted to do dinner at my place first and he did say he was looking forward to a home cooked meal.

Friday comes, and I spent my day cleaning and running errands (I've been dealing with a sick cat, so there was a trip to the vet, and the pet store in there).  I had a friend text me mid-day to say that a group was getting together at my complex (I have friends that live here) to hang out at the pool.  I picked up a four-pack of "adult juice boxes" (i.e., wine in single-serve cardboard boxes) and joined them around 4:00 p.m. for a couple hours of laying out.  Brian had suggested a time of around 8 or 8:30 for dinner, and he arrived in that time frame.  I admit, I'd had all four wine boxes, so I might have been a bit tipsy, but not so much that I couldn't cook a good meal -- and it was good, if I do say so myself -- and give him the grand tour of my place.  He didn't really ask many questions or comment much about my place, which was kind of disappointing to me -- I've worked really hard to decorate, I have a lot of photos on the walls, etc. 

We had dinner, and then were walking to his car to go to the movie and he suggested that we skip the movie.  I don't know if it was something I said, whether I stumbled, whether it was because he knew I was a little tipsy, or what.  Honestly, that was fine with me.  Wine or no wine, I probably would not have made it through a movie that started at 10:40 p.m.  So we walked back upstairs and spent a little bit of time on the balcony...and I mean a little bit of time, maybe 10 minutes.  Then he said he should go.  I walked him to the door, which he reached first, and he headed out the door.  No kiss, no hug, nothing.  Wow....a homecooked dinner at my place, and no kiss.  Did I screw up royally or what?

I don't know what to make of this.  Perhaps I shouldn't have had that wine before our date.  On the other hand, perhaps he should have come over on Thursday, instead of at almost 9:00 p.m. on Friday.  I'm just completely stunned by how it turned out, and disappointed.  I think this was my first bomb of a date.  Or was it?  I mean, dinner was good, the conversation was fine, it didn't feel awkward, at least not until the very end. 

I texted Brian and apologized for messing things up -- I said I realized I must have messed up pretty bad when he left without even kissing me.  He wrote back and said it was completely his fault and that he's preoccupied with some things going on at work (he does work hard and take his job very seriously, as he should -- it's a pretty serious job).  Still, I have to wonder -- was it because I have a wedding picture on the wall?  Was it because I have three cats?  Was it because of the wine?  Or was it really his job distracting him?  I don't know, but I do know this -- I thought things looked very promising with this guy, and I feel like we're completely moving backwards now.  I felt that way a bit before last night, and now it's really going backward.  Ugh.  This could be my first massive dating fail.

On the up side, I'm also seeing Antonio this weekend.  Let's hope that goes a little better!


  1. Hmm. Well, without knowing all sides of the story, I'm still inclined to say forget this guy. Whatever it was that got "too weird" for him doesn't really matter. For him to leave so abruptly and then excuse it because he was preoccupied with work, well, that doesn't hold water. Especially early on in a relationship, a guy will put just about everything else to the side for a date. I'm not even suggesting any of this makes him a bad person. Something was bothering him that he couldn't talk about, and that doesn't make him bad or you bad; it probably just makes the two of you not a good fit together. Now, if he comes clean and tells you what was really bothering him and it's something you can both handle, that may change the situation. Maybe he just got a little scared but later decides he was foolish and knows he should talk it over with you. But I'd leave the ball in his court, and don't sweat over it if you don't get this result.

    Don't assume it was something you did. The right guy won't care about things like the fact that you have 3 cats or have a wedding picture on the wall. My husband knew I had recently come out of a bad, bad marriage when we met and knew I had some stuff to work through, and I also had five pets...he took on all of this because he knew it all came with the package. I hope this guy at least thanked you for cooking him dinner!!

  2. Thanks Jen -- I have sort of realized, "Well, the cats aren't going anywhere, and I'm not about to take pictures down just for the sake of taking pictures down," so I think I'm going to worry less about what people will think of those things. I am who I am, past and cats included. Take it or not. LOL! And I did apologize for overindulging, he said he was distracted by work, but did not exactly apologize, so you're right -- ball is in his court. I've already decided that if he slips through the cracks, oh well.