Friday, September 17, 2010


I noticed when I looked at the clock on my laptop screen that today is the 17th. Today makes the eight month anniversary of Brian's death. I only realized this by happenstance, and I don't really feel any different about the day after having realized this. I should mention that last month, the 17th slipped by without me noticing it at all until after the fact.

Until last month, there hadn't been a 17th day of the month in all of 2010 that hadn't brought tears and a heavier heart for me. July 17th was worst of all -- the six month mark. It seems after that, it's gotten a lot easier. Maybe I'd just built up the six month mark so much that after that, I lost track. Maybe it's because 7 and 8 months don't have that same emotional attachment. I'm sure I won't gloss over the one year mark (January 17). In fact, I'm already dreading that, though I'm trying not to even think about that until after the holidays. One thing I've learned is that you have to take it one thing at a time. I can't worry about the one year anniversary until it's next at bat, or at least on deck.

I think it's a good thing that I haven't noticed or agonized about the 17th for the last two months. It's a sign that I'm moving forward, that I know it's possible to live a life without knowing I'll break down like clockwork at least once a month. I know I'll have breakdowns about this for my entire life, but the frequency is lessening, and that feels really good.

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