I've created this blog for a couple of reasons.
First, it is to keep people informed about how I am doing in coping with Brian's death, and what I am doing with my time. I am blessed to have incredible friends and a large, supportive, and loving family (both my side of the family and Brian's, who are like my own family). Many people have sent cards, e-mails, have called, etc., to see how I am doing. While I am very grateful, there are also times I am simply not up for it. It is my hope that writing this blog will help keep everyone in the loop and provide a way for me to share my thoughts and experiences, perhaps in a forum where I can better express myself.
This leads to the second reason. I think this blog will give me a chance to express a more complete view of my grieving and rebuilding process. I am a "people pleaser" by nature and tend to put on a happy face for others. When people ask, "How are you doing?," my gut reaction is to say, "Fine, thank you," or, "As good as I can; thanks for asking." I say this even when it is not true. Sometimes it is just a kneejerk reaction, the "right" or "polite" answer to such a query. Sometimes it is because I'm in too much pain or turmoil on the inside to want to crack the shell (or split the bellybutton) and let the inside come pouring out. Finally, sometimes, I just can't find the right words in the context of a conversation to express what is going on inside my heart and mind as I continue to cope with losing my best friend, soul mate, and lover so suddenly and far too soon in life. I think I could be more honest and authentic with the "How are you doing?" question if I try to answer that in writing, where I can take the time to honestly assess, rather than answering quickly to keep a conversation going, and choose just the right words and imagery to paint the picture of my soul.
Hence, this blog. I hope it will provide me a way to not only keep my loved ones informed about my goings-on and my progress, but also that it will give me a way to better express my feelings.