Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Oh yeah...I had a birthday in there...

My birthday was December 28, right smack dab in the middle of the holidays.  I turned 31.

Last year, my birthday was quiet and average, save one text that was sent to me in the middle of the night from a "friend" letting me know I had disappointed everyone by not having a big 30th birthday bash.  Sorry, but that wasn't what I wanted for my first birthday as a widow.  Birthdays in the middle of the holidays suck anyway -- throw a party and no one will come, but apparently if you don't throw one, you'll get flak about it.  It really put a damper on my birthday last year, so I was ready to have a good day this year.

We came home from visiting family in Cincinnati for Christmas in time to celebrate at home in San Antonio.  The BF had told me we would be going to a Spurs game, and we had a gift certificate to a nice restaurant, so I was looking forward to that very much.  Well, I brought a sinus bug home from the holidays and was seriously laid up all day -- I slept on the couch the majority of the day, and told "Antonio" we'd have to take a rain check on dinner, since I wanted to go when I could actually taste the wine and steak we'd be having.  I was still down for the game....only, I found out that the Spurs game was just a ruse and that we actually had tickets to the Nutcracker ballet!

I had a great night!  We got all dressed up, had appetizers at a bar nearby ahead of time, and we even got to drink champagne while we watched the show.  To keep it classy, I also purchased a bag of Cheez-Its from the bar/concession area at intermission to enjoy during the second half of the show.  Okay, you can laugh, but seriously, salty snacks and champagne make an excellent pairing, so go ahead and try some bubbly with your potato chips and see if you're still laughing.

One thing that has been weighing on my mind, though, is this -- Brian died one month and one day after his 31st birthday.  I would be lying if I said I didn't think about that as I turned 31.  I remember thinking, "This was Brian's last birthday."  I am now acutely aware of exactly how long he lived, and in a few days, I will have lived longer than him.  I know exactly how many days he got on this earth, and every day I live beyond January 29 will make me keenly aware of how much time he didn't get.  Soon, I will be older than he ever was, though he was two years and twelve days older than me.  I will live more days than he got to live, and I will get to experience things he never did -- getting a dog, having kids, traveling to places he dreamed of (Ireland, Australia, and Hawaii among them).

When I keep getting more days and more opportunities, I think of him and I wonder why he did not.  It makes me feel sad and somewhat guilty -- why should I be able to enjoy those things that he didn't?  And yet, I can't let that hold me back.  Regardless of what I do or don't do, he is not coming back.  And I have days of my life to fill.

I plan to fill my 31st year, and all those I'm blessed to have after this one, with every joy I can find.  If he couldn't do that, at least I can.

1 comment:

  1. Nice to see, that you start to make plans for your life again. And yes, you will get the birthday party you deserve... end of July at the latest ;-)