Being a widow is the most painful, horrible, difficult thing I have ever been through, and it’s been harder on me than I could imagine.
And here I am, less than two years out, in a relationship again. And not just “in a relationship” – I’m in all the way. I’m in love, hard core, all in. We share a home, a family, a life. I’m committed to him. I've relocated from the city of my dreams so I could be with him, and I plan to start a career here in San Antonio because he is here. He is the center of my world. This is how I felt, loved, and lived with Brian. I know the immense value of what I have now, and I know how easily it can all disappear, without warning, in an instant. I know how vulnerable I am. Although highly unlikely, it could all happen again anytime. I hope if I'm widowed again, that it would be after a long marriage, when I am an old woman with grandchildren who are grown. But life offers no guarantees. With a relationship comes risk of heartbreak, and I am now acutely aware of what a risk I am taking.
Knowing the pain I have carried, I choose to put myself on the line again. I will risk that torture, that heartbreak, that complete and utter devastation again. Why?
Because he is worth it. Because I love him so much. Because I’m brave. Or maybe because I'm just too stubborn to let death win. I’m proud of myself for being able to love again, for not letting fear keep me from finding joy.
Go forth with a fearless heart.