Friday, May 27, 2011

Long Weekend

Memorial Day Weekend is here.  This is a time when we are to pay our respects to the dead, visit cemeteries, leave flowers.  Well, one outta three ain't bad, right?  For the second year in a row, I'm more than 1,000 miles away from my husband's grave on Memorial Day weekend.  For the second year in a row, it sucks.  (And the year before that, we lost some friends in a car crash, and that sucked pretty hard too.)  This weekend has a different significance for me now and, as long as I'm living this far away, brings a heavy mixture of guilt and homesickness, rolled into a ball and coated with the salt of my tears.

I will be back in Iowa within the next couple weeks, so I'll have my chance then to visit Brian's grave, bring flowers and/or some other small item of tribute, check on the condition of things (though I know his parents keep things in tip-top shape with regular visits), and sit down and have a talk with him.  Oh, and don't forget the tears.  I still have a hard time with cemetery visits.  There are tears every time, without fail.  Usually it's pretty bad, and I'm sure the next time won't be any exception -- I haven't been since around Christmas, the longest I've gone without a trip to Greenwood yet.  This is when I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job as Brian's widow, when I think about how infrequent my trips to the cemetery are.  I hate being so far from where he's laid to rest; it really weighs on me, this weekend more than most.  I take comfort in knowing that he has plenty of "visitors" -- I guess I just don't want him to be or even seem forgotten.  I need to remind myself that blogging, displaying and looking at pictures, and telling stories about him are all ways to remember and pay tribute to him, every bit as much as going to the cemetery. 

Still, I posted a request on Facebook this morning, asking that my friends who live near my hometown just take a few minutes to stop by and visit Brian's grave if they can this weekend.  I want him to know he is remembered.  In the meantime, I will take some time on Monday to reflect in my own way here.  This year is a little bit better than last, but it will still be a long weekend in more ways than one.


  1. The good part is that you can talk to him anytime, any place. :) I can understand the sense of wanting to physically be there. But when you feel really guilty, just remember his presence isn't tied to the cemetery and that he can hear you wherever you are and whenever the need strikes to talk to him. I don't mean to make light of your feelings; please don't think that! :) But I think he's much more interested in the positive way you're living your life than cemetery visits...the way you live your life is the real proof of how GREAT of a job you're doing as his widow! :) But I think it's awfully sweet that you asked friends to stop by for a visit, and I bet they will, and that should make him feel really good too.

    That is a really beautiful headstone and a well-chosen picture that seems to really show his loving and happy side.

  2. I will definitely be seeing Brian when I go home for the next few days. As I do whenever I am home or going through Muscatine. Brian doesn't hold anything against you for being so far away. Just think, Brian's physical self is in Greenwood, his true self (soul) is around us ALL the time. <3

  3. Conny and I, we heard about your hard life shortly after having met you in die Dominican Republic. But I just realized that the first name of our cute son is the same as that of your beloved and missed husband. I think this made our encounter to a very emotional moment to you. However you have to continue your own way, making your own mistakes, taking your own decisions. Brian will always be with you, whenever you want and as long as you want. But don't forget to live. Your stay in Punta Cana was definitely part of a good start to reach out for a new happiness. God bless you. Erich