Friday, December 16, 2011

You Say It's Your Birthday?

Today would have been Brian's 33 rd birthday.  I'm having mixed emotions about the day.

Antonio, Mittons, and I came to Austin last night.  Antonio and I went out for dinner at a sports bar to catch the NFL Thursday night action, then went to a bar near our condo to check it out for the first time.  We had a night of amazing conversation together, just the two of us.

This morning, we went to our favorite breakfast joint down the road (  Then I took Antonio to the airport and he left for Ohio for the holidays.  I will be joining him in a few days, but I wanted to have some time to myself to get some things done and to just have some "me" time during this month full of difficult dates.  It was still hard to have him leave today, though -- I cried into my pancakes last month when I realized he'd be flying out on Brian's birthday.

I didn't know what to do today, and so I sort of just let the day slip away.  I planned to go to yoga, but when I got back from the airport I laid in bed for a while instead, thinking and crying and remembering the man I loved (and still love) so much.  (Also, I played Angry Birds for a while -- what can I say?  I'm hooked.)  I'm having a hard time remembering to be thankful for the time I had with him; right now, my dominant feeling is that of missing him.  I know this is a matter of choice and focus -- I need to make an effort to celebrate him, not mourn.  I know he'd be happy that I'm going out with friends tonight for good food, drinks, and live music.  It's exactly how he would want me to mark this day. 

I guess it's time to stop giving in to the sad part of me. She got most of the day already.

Honestly, though, I kind of just want to cuddle with Mittons and cry some more.  That doesn't do anyone any good, and it isn't what Brian would want for me.  It isn't what anyone who loves me would want, and it isn't really what I want for myself.

I'm going to have a good time tonight.  For Brian.  It's the best thing I can do for him on his birthday.

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