I realize my posts have been negative lately, and I have to admit, I'm at a low point right now. The grieving process brings ups and downs -- not really "ups," but times that aren't so bad, and then those that are. It's a bit of a roller coaster, and I'm the bottom of a hill right now.
Lately, I am just feeling very "alone." I miss having someone in my day-to-day life -- saying "Good morning," "Good night," and "I love you" every day. I miss sharing my bed with someone. I miss having company in my day-to-day boring activities like cooking and watching TV. I miss the texts and e-mails Brian and I used to exchange during the day. I miss having someone to tell about everything I do in day. In short, I'm flat out lonely.
Don't get me wrong -- I have great friends and family here, and it's not something that would be any different if I was in Iowa (though having the cats would make it better). This isn't about needing to spend more time with friends or family -- I see plenty of people and do fun things. This is about my living situation -- at the end of the day, I am sad to be going home alone to an empty, quiet, lifeless place.
In my support group, the leaders and members talk about how we all have to find "a new normal" for ourselves, as life will not be the same without the ones we've lost. I think this is especially true when, like me, you've lost your entire nuclear family. Of course I still have my parents and my sister (not to mention Brian's family, with whom I am very close), but the fact is, Brian was my family. It was the two of us that shared a home and a life for the past eight years (I'm starting from when we first moved in together in 2002). It was us who became "parents" to Picaboo, then Ellie, together (incidentally, he was the first one to start calling us "Mommy" and "Daddy"!). It was the two of us who picked out furniture, paint colors, etc. together. He's the one I vacationed with, went to weddings and parties with, and planned for the future with. That is all gone now. My little family is no longer.
I'll be back in Iowa soon and will be able to see Picaboo and Ellie again, and I can't wait for that. Thank God for those cats. I know they can't talk and they don't actually watch what is on TV, but at least there will be another body in the room (I almost wrote "another person"!). At least I will have companionship, someone to talk to at any time of the day or night, about anything or nothing. At least someone else will be in my house, making noise and making things a little more interesting.
And let the "crazy cat lady" comments begin...